6 Ways You Compromise Your Self-worth...and What to Do Instead

Any other Sandra Bullock fans out there?

I mean, Speed, Miss Congeniality, The Proposal. Who can beat that scene where she’s dancing with the OG Betty White in the woods? Come on! It's classic! Get’s the belly-laughs every time.

IMO, one of her best roles is Dr. Ryan Stone in Gravity. She and Matt Kowalski (George Clooney) get stranded in space after their shuttle is destroyed by debris from a Russian missile strike. Total thriller.

What gets me, though, is her mentality during the fight for survival summed up in this line: "I know I'm going to die up here. You're going to die up here. But if I'm going to die, then I'm going to die trying." Does that not sound oddly familiar?

 On the one hand, we could—as we should—admire her mindset because it demonstrates the power of the human spirit in the face of adversity. On the other hand, though, this mindset epitomizes survival mode, which is not the way we want to live our lives. In midlife, we want to thrive, to focus on achieving long-term goals and reaching our full potential in our passions and aspirations.

 Somewhere along the way, we find ourselves stuck, stranded by the debris of childhood trauma, smashed relationships, or chronic illness. Our debris makes it impossible–it seems–to pass through the gate of knowing that our self-worth comes from ourselves. Not from others. Not from our achievements. Not from our abilities to surprise even ourselves. We cannot learn to thrive otherwise.

To learn to thrive, we have to deal with these six major obstacles that helped us get to midlife via the "If I'm going to die, I'm going to die trying" mindset.

Here they are.

Perfectionism’s a b*tch!

Perfectionism is such a destructive mindset. It’s a self-sabotaging compulsion programmed into those of us who think that things must be perfect because they must be perfect. Don’t confuse it with overworking, which is something we do for others. I’ll get to that in a minute! Perfectionism is a burden we place on ourselves for ourselves–NOT for others.

Perfectionism showed up big time when I was in college as a dance performance major. I would book extra studio time to practice… and then I’d practice some more! I told myself “I was creating the muscle memory I needed,” but it was a self -sabotaging habit, nonetheless. Took forever to just go “when I felt inspired,” when the ideas flowed and I’d create my best choreography. You’d think I’d have never returned to exhausting myself just to get it perfect. 

 Wrong! 

It took me many years to learn to let go and only work when I felt inspired, which sometimes was in the shower or the kitchen …lol. I really did live the “tortured artist” lifestyle. Thank goodness I have finally learned to trust myself. The AffirMotion workshop I created is proof! It all poured out of me so easily.  

The problem is that we concoct this notion of “perfect” with no grounding in reality. It can really mess with how we look at ourselves. For some reason, “perfect” becomes more and more elusive as we age. The key is discovering what it means to take pleasure in our own accomplishments. Otherwise, we’ll struggle because perfectionism is NOT sustainable. It leads to self-defeating thoughts and behaviors that make it harder and harder to achieve our goals. A real recipe for burnout. Studies have shown that people in high-achieving positions such as doctors and lawyers suffer the most from this debilitating mindset. 

But you don’t have to be a doctor or lawyer to suffer. I proved that point! All you’ve got to do is face life with Dr. Ryan Stone’s “I’m going to die trying” mentality.

Overworking…my perfectionism’s offspring

The love child of perfectionism is overworking because it’s a sign we are seeking the approval of others. It aims at achievements so that we can feel valued. We overwork ourselves to earn praise, compensation, awards, degrees–you name it! 

But all these are external rewards for an internal void. We don’t value ourselves for who we are. We value ourselves for what we can do. 

Overworking was in full swing during my fitness instructor years when I’d be asked to come back to lead the 4:30 class, and I could never say no - I’d have to drag my 6 year old daughter with me hoping that she’d either fall asleep or do the kick boxing with the group.. Then we’d rush home to cook dinner. It didn’t matter how much it imposed on family life! I was an overwork-aholic who compromised my immune system for a midlife diagnosis of a chronic illness: Lyme disease.

Sure–not everyone gets a chronic illness. I get it. However, that doesn’t negate the fact that we all know we’re gonna get to the place where we can no longer do what we used to.

WE. MUST. LEARN. SELF-WORTH.

If we don’t, we’ll find ourselves up S%#t Creek without a paddle. 

Busyness … No, it’s not misspelled.

If overworking is the child of perfectionism, then busyness is Overworking’s phlegmatic twin. Busyness is simply that: being busy. But it's busy to avoid unwanted feelings. As humans, we can learn to enjoy just about any situation because we’re masters of adapting to our environments. It’s our survival superpower that kept us from being eaten by a saber tooth tiger back in the caveman days.

But we want more from midlife, amiright?!

If thriving demands we know our self-worth comes from ourselves, busyness is ignorant and simply avoids addressing this ignorance. 

 You see where this is going? Can you rest? And what I mean by rest should not be limited to lying down, sitting around, or shluffing off work. Rest is doing whatever rejuvenates our minds, bodies, and spirits to wholeness without all those external rewards of income, degrees, accolades, praise from other people. 

If you would have asked me 20 years ago if I’d ever consider an afternoon nap, I’d have said, “Forget about it!” I could not stop “doing”. Forget about “being”and resting and rejuvenating! I only dabbled in those things when I was on the verge of exhaustion or on vacations, which only happened once or twice a year. Otherwise, I was keeping myself busy with teaching fitness, being room mom, decorating my home and grocery shopping. I mean, a mom’s life is naturally busy, but through reinvention coaching I found out the deeper reason for my addiction to keeping “busy” was actually a coping mechanism for… Well, that’s a topic for a whole other newsletter!

Comparison… Not again!

All these self-worth drainers are tough, but comparison may take the cake. We are, yes, social creatures, and it’s really hard not to see ourselves apart from others, our society, our culture. After all, we must learn to relate to others. It’s one of the core features of being human. 

That said, relating to others differs from measuring our self-worth by comparing ourselves to others, which keeps us from ever feeling good enough. We feel great about ourselves when feeling more accomplished than those around us; we feel terrible about ourselves when feeling less accomplished than those around us. 

Here’s how the drain of comparison manifested itself in my life. I didn’t start dancing until my junior year of high school. By all accounts, this is way too late to start dancing, if one wants to get a dance scholarship in college or with a dance troupe. I managed, somehow to go to college as a dance performance major and get a scholarship!  And sure–I thought I had to work harder to be good enough, but the truth was that I had different gifts for different ends. Constantly comparing my performance with those who had started dancing at age four left me with this ever present feeling of discontent. It sucked! But the truth was my audition got me into this #2 school in country for modern dance!! I couldn’t even give myself credits and sit with knowing I had what it takes. 

Now, here’s the thing. Why we do it is quite obvious. Other people provide a tangible measuring stick of what great, so-so, and bad performance looks like. We learn from each other. But this learning from each other to be the best we can be is a very different muscle from the one we use when we ascribe value to ourselves based on how we perform relative to the performance of other people. 

 See the difference? 

 Learn from others! By all means, look to others as people whom we can learn from. But do NOT confuse–or better yet–conflate learning and self-worth. They are intrinsically different. The one helps us adapt and grow; the other moves us from thriving to surviving.  They are not the same.

As long as you stay “in comparison” with other people, you will not learn to thrive. Let me say it again. You will never thrive in life as long as you are finding your self-worth in comparison to others.

People-pleasing, shmeeple-pleasing

Do you see how all these self-worth drainers are looking to something outside of ourselves to fill a need within ourselves? It’s a tortured pattern that we submit to again and again and again.

And pleasing people is one of the most frustrating. I mean, perfectionism is just a dead end because it’s impossible; overworking, busyness, and comparison are exhausting. But pleasing others is just damn infuriating. You feel like a pawn. Someone completely disposed to the needs and values of others. A lack of personal presence. 

I’d guess that most of us have had to bite our tongue to keep the peace …, but how often do you NOT cancel a plan because you don’t want to disappoint? Or someone needs you, and you’re there! Forget that you have company arriving in two days.  People pleasing comes in so many forms but at the end of the day it’s just giving into others requests or making assumptions about what someone would want. It breeds resentment and anger, eventually. That’s no way to live the next half of your life!

You know, I never really made the connection between that whole “Put your oxygen mask over yourself first and then help the person next to you” and self-care as a lifestyle that encouraged a healthy form of self-worth because I HATE flying! Lol. I’ve always been so preoccupied with keeping myself calm in a very uncomfortable event. 

I get it now. Now that I’ve done the difficult, interior work of prioritizing myself, I can be the best version of myself to others… When I fly, I’m like, “Yeah, that’s how life works.” But when you’re in a people-pleasing mode, you’re still in that survival mode. You’re doing what you think MUST be done so that other people will like you.

Hate to break it to you, my friend, but just because you please others does NOT mean they will feel the same obligation to you. I kind of wish it worked that way, but it doesn’t. When you compromise your values and needs so that others’ values and needs come first, they don’t value you more. They value you less.

This is not a rant about how bad people are because in times of crisis people can show themselves to be incredibly heroic for the well-being of others who are in danger, desperation, and destitute. But on a daily basis, if you’re willing to give over above the call of duty,  those on the receiving end will gladly  take and come to expect that you put their needs above your own… until you don’t, and then you’ve really upset the fruit basket because you’re not meeting the expectations that you helped create! And, oh! The anger and disappointment that you feel from them is the worst, isn’t it?! It’s awful, but unfortunately these are expectations that you’ve helped create because you caved to their values and needs all along.

Unlearning people-pleasing may be the quickest–and most difficult!–way to take your power back. You’re having to reset others’ expectations for you. You seem like a different person. This can be hard for them to handle, too. But it’s so worth it!!

Saying “yes”/ meaning “no”

Remember that scene from Singing in the Rain where the picture gets out of sync with the audio? “Yes! Yes! Yes!” “No! No! No!” The head-shaking and head-nodding are all out of whack! It’s hilarious! One of my favorite scenes from old Hollywood, but it’s NOT AT ALL funny when it happens in real life! It is–fo’ sho’–the surest sign that your self-worth is being drained. 

You can’t tell others “No.” 

Who'da thunk such a small word would prove so difficult! But it is! You don’t want to rock the boat because–Lordy!–the firestorm that can erupt when that happens! You aim to keep the peace at all costs even though you know that the absence of conflict does not equal peace. All you’re trying to do is avoid an “ordeal.” 

You know what I mean!

And then you get all bent out of shape because you’re disappointed in yourself for caving in and prioritizing others over yourself. Life sucks in those moments. You feel you have no agency AT ALL! And people can pick up these vibes. They know something is wrong. 

I struggled with this one…terribly. I felt something was wrong, but I didn’t know how to make it right UNTIL I understood the importance of self-worth and the things that drain your self-worth. 

How’d I come to understand it?

So glad you asked.

Breaking free

Understanding how to build my self-worth and its source felt like I was breaking free. Breaking free from my past, breaking free from a prison, breaking free from me. It was difficult, and I needed the support of a coach to do it. That’s what makes working with a life coach so valuable! Let’s be honest. It’s fast-tracking you towards your dreams when you surrender and ask for help. If you could do it on your own, wouldn’t you have already done so? Been on your way? Gotten your t-shirt? Believe me, I hated asking for help. I wanted to do everything on my own. That’s how I had lived my life, it seemed. Getting there took a chronic illness that set me on my bum for me to wake up and realize I needed to start living differently, deploy love myself, and cut myself some slack. Going cold turkey on all my ingrained habits would’ve been too much. I needed a step-by-step process, a life raft called Reinvention Coaching to help me get to sunnier shores where I’m now developing tools for other people to get on to Thrive-ville.

One of the tools that I created–and this is where I’ll end today–is my free guide called Your Reinvention Rhythm. It will help you identify what might be clogging up the flow in your life. 

Click the button below to find Your Reinvention Rhythm now!

It’s free!